by Haley
30. Charlotte Bobcats: Rufus Lynx
I don’t know if I should say anything about Rufus because of the swirling rumors to return to the Hornets. I think I’m just going to put him last because the Hornet doesn’t really impress me either.
29. New York Knicks: ???
Marco…Polo?…
28. Dallas Mavericks: Champ the Horse
Champ is clearly beat out by Hooper (see Detroit Pistons). As far as horses go, their first mistake was making him blue.
Their second mistake was trying to compete with Hooper.
27. L.A. Clippers: ???
Who is it? Nobody knows…(See L.A. Lakers)
26. San Antonio Spurs: Wile E. Coyote
Wile E. Coyote has eyeballs that look like they were dipped in acid and then candy coated. It is a little scary. Plus if you aren’t going to reference the most famous coyote of all time with a Road Runner sidekick I want nothing to do with it.
25. L.A. Lakers: ???
There is no mascot…Does this make the Lakers boring? YES! How hard can it be…(see Washington Wizards)
24. Boston Celtics: Lucky the Leprechaun
Lucky keeps with the strong tradition tied to the Celtics’ franchise. I just always thought the point of a mascot was for not to be human, which Boston kinda ruins.
Also, do you have to be Irish to be Lucky?
23. Golden State Warriors: ???
The Warriors no longer have a mascot, but their old one may or may not have been the genie from Aladdin. Either way, I wasn’t impressed.
22. Utah Jazz: Jazz Bear
The bear mascot really makes no sense. He looks more like Chewbacca dressed up as a homeless pirate, which is just terrifying to people young and old alike.
No, thank you!
21. Brooklyn Nets: The Brooklyn Knight
I had to do some outside research to understand this one. Someone from Brooklyn is a Brooklynite…. Brooklyn Knight…Get it? I appreciate this attempt to create some proud sort of patriotism for Brooklyn…but the Knight is supposed to be a super hero even though according to the website his powers include having a six pack and a “multi-functional cape”. As opposed to what? A single-purpose cape?
There have definitely been mixed reviews to this new guy, the biggest being that a very popular…er…exotic dancer… is named Brooklyn Night. I hope they market the mascot well enough so everybody googles Knight and not Night. Unless you’re looking for the girl…then don’t let me get in your way!
20. Cleveland Cavaliers: Moondog
If you love mascots that pay homage to obscure cultural references from Rock’n'Roll, then Moondog is your guy. So what did Cleveland do to make their mascot less-confusing and irrelevant? Added the pirate Sir C.C., of course!
Logical.
I feel bad saying that because Moondog looks awfully cuddly.
19. Indiana Pacers: Boomer
A panther named Boomer is a great concept. Except he looks nothing like a panther. He has a crazy blonde shaggy hair-do and looks like somebody taped blueberries to his cheeks. Aren’t panthers supposed to be black? I feel like this is teaching kids incorrect scientific facts about real animals.
18. Minnesota Timberwolves: Crunch
When you name a timberwolf “Crunch” with no reasoning, I’m not following. Is it supposed to be crunchy snow? I don’t get it. I guess this is a pretty solid mascot, but nothing special (See Milwaukee).
17. Milwaukee Bucks: Bango
Bango is pretty cool, I guess. He’s not absurd or scary, so that makes him a fun mascot for everyone to hang with.
He also just makes me worry about him getting hit by a car on his way home from a game.
16. Denver Nuggets: Rocky the Mountain Lion
Rocky seems like a pretty cool dude. He has a sunny disposition and seems to interact with the crowd very well. The only thing is, he’s pretty buff for a mountain lion. Aside from legalized marijuana in Colorado, does anyone know the laws on steroids? Just kidding, I like Rocky. I give him an S+ for solid.
15. Houston Rockets: Clutch the Bear
Clutch the Bear is great. He’s cute and interactive. My only suggestion would be a bear in an astronaut costume. We’ve sent monkeys and dogs to space, why not a bear?
14. Atlanta Hawks: Harry the Hawk
I think it’s kinda funny that he’s named Harry because birds have feathers, not hair…or is that just me?
I thought so.
This is the only mascot who manages to logically include stilts into his costume and I have to give him credit because stilts cannot be easy to walk on. Unless you’re a hawk, that is…
13. Memphis Grizzlies: Grizz
Hah!! Remember that thing I said about the Utah Jazz mascot looking like Chewbacca? I was wrong.
Grizz truly is Chewbacca with a different name. At the same time, Grizz seems lightyears more intelligent and looks like I could actually have a conversation with him. I wouldn’t mind giving Grizz a big ‘ol hug.
12. Oklahoma City Thunder: Rumble the Bison
Rumble is a fairly new mascot only coming to be official during the 2008-2009 season. For an “athletic bison” he has very kind eyes and resembles something of the “Where the Wild Things Are” ilk.
What did the buffalo say to his son when he went to college? Bison!
11. Sacramento Kings: Slamson the Lion
Slamson also looks a little demonic (see Utah Jazz) but the pun bumps his rating a whole lot.
10. New Orleans Pelicans: A…Pelican?
If this was a rank of the most ridiculous mascots, the Pelican would be number one. However, I can’t deny that I am really excited about this. Maybe it’s because I just keep thinking of the Pelican from Finding Nemo and I can only dream that this guy will be just as cool. New Orleans has tried really hard to make their graphic intimidating and intense, but lets not fight what a Pelican is – an akward, squawking bird with an obnoxious beak and Australian accent.
Oh…wait.
9. Orlando Magic: Stuff the Magic Dragon
Probably one of the more entertaining mascots with one of the more highly inappropriate names: Stuff the Magic Dragon.
Kids, don’t do drugs and stay in school.
8. Chicago Bulls: Benny the Bull
Have you ever seen the movie “Gremlins”? Haha, me too! Benny the Bull looks like a gremlin, but the cute cuddly kind without the insane ability to multiply and stalk you when you’re sleeping.
I love Benny!
7. Toronto Raptors: A Raptor
It’s a Raptor. Duh. What gives him a high score is the fact that he looks like a T-Rex that is insanely happy because his arms are finally long enough to follow his dream and play basketball.
6. Portland Trailblazers: Blaze the Trail Cat
I’m a fan of Blaze mostly because I am a self-proclaimed cat lady.
The story goes that a new species of cat popped up in Portland (Blaze) and he was then rescued and adopted by the Trailblazers. Talk about heart wrenching!
5. Detroit Pistons: Hooper
It took me a second to understand how Hooper the horse makes sense. The pistons produce HORSEpower, i.e. Hooper is a horse. Get it?
He’s über cute and highly resembles bullseye from Toy Story. Hooper was apparently trained to be a race horse but realised he was way too talented (and cute) for that!
4. Phoenix Suns: Go the Gorilla
A gorilla named Go is surprisingly adored by all fans! It is said that Go really likes to monkey around during games and sometimes dresses like Frank Sinatra or runs up stadium stairs to the Rocky Theme song.
Go is one of the more classic mascots in the NBA, unlike some fickle other teams (see New Orleans, Charlotte). Its nice to see a team commit 100% to a mascot that is so widely loved!
3. Miami Heat: Burnie
I have to say, Burnie is the best dancer in the NBA. If you haven’t seen any of his videos, you are missing out on a body-shaking laugh that will surely result of his killer dance moves and inner-tube belly.
He really has the best of everything: a hilarious appearance like G-Wiz with the puniness of Hip-Hop and the involvement of Go. PERFECTION!
2. Washington Wizards: G-Wiz
LOL! G-Wiz is hilarious. He kinda looks like Grover from Sesame Street but that’s okay.
In his bio, G-Wiz claims to be bff’s with Harry Potter. If you’re looking for a totally whimsical, nonsensical mascot, look no further.
You’re welcome.
1. Philadelphia 76ers: Hip-Hop
If we’re talking about all things cute, punny and involving animals (which I always am) this mascot gets an A++.
First of all, the mascot is a bunny named Hip-Hop (#winning) and has a side-kick named Lil’ Hip-Hop AND has little helpers called Hare Raisers. I mean, the amount of puns are endless.
This is a tricky one to rank though, because clearly all the fans and team owners were not thinking and decided to remove the mascot and have yet to replace it.
In the end, let’s be all inclusive and say everyone is a winner with sick dance moves.